Chips' Fun House ~ View topic

This is what I've been thinking and feeling for about a week now. It's a long read and it's pretty depressing but take what you will. I think it's a pretty good narrative on happiness.

So I live the American dream, or what people want to call it. An aging teenager with prospects of college and amazing future or ahead; I guess it could be amazing. Parents make enough to classify us as upper-middle class citizens of the United States of America. Live in a pretty nice house with a cat and a dog. So why am I not biting at the bit to see what’s around the next corner? I guess it’s because I can take a guess at the next corner. I’ll graduate with a good grade point average and land a good job. Maybe within that time I’ll find my other half. I don’t know. I’ll marry (I know I want to get married at least; I think I always have.), maybe have kids if I want them. I’ll then be watching them grow old and live the same cycles as me. Death moves faster towards you and the time slips away. You die and what’s on the other side? Not a single living soul knows. Religion thinks it solved the mystery, but they don’t really know. It’s a dream that gives people hope and clouds their minds from the possible truth. Or maybe in my youth and rebelliousness I’m just being the typical angst teenager. Anyway, I’m diverting from my point, which is with all that I’m lucky to have and with all that has been given me why do I still feel like complete utter s**t? I’m going on 18, graduating from high school and as they say moving up in the world. It doesn’t matter because I’m currently not happy with the future. I really don’t want to grow old, lose friends, and then gain more, which I will eventually lose to time and the wonderful end we call death. Utterly depressing for a girl at 17 eh? I’m not truly depressed am I? I can laugh and have fun, but just now I’m coming to a crossroads. One event I can truly say I’m looking forward to is my freedom. I can make my own decisions and change my future. My true love…freedom. You know what I miss? I miss belonging. I miss being a part of something. Sure I’m an artist but I feel like no one knows me. True friends are rare and unfortunately I only have one. Well it shouldn’t be unfortunate should it? I love Tara to death and don’t what would happen if I lost her now. She is the only person not family related I would die for. Maybe I would die for the people who have never shown me any appreciation. More than likely not because why should I give my life for someone who has never said I love you or you’re an amazing friend. It’s hard to find the people who really appreciate your existence. It’s even harder to find a group who loves you. I was lucky to have that in my younger years. Times were so much simpler. You chase the boys and try to give them a kiss on the cheek. You laugh with your friends as you put on make-up, which looks horrible when you look at your kid pictures 10 years later. We were a core four. Slowly we were pulled apart. I went to a different middle school while they stayed on. One even graduated from that school two years ago. She goes to Eastern KY University. Her graduation night was our last hurrah, even with the absence of one who stopped calling us on the basis that she’s “busy”. I’m sorry but you cannot stay busy for 7 years. Ah the wonderful red lobster night. Ate our hearts content and then they brought us a giant chocolate cake with ice cream to celebrate her graduation. The cake was wonderful as we let go the last traces of our youth. I hope you’re doing great on your pre-vet education Jessica. I love you like a sister. And so I “graduate” from middle school. I had 2 friends then. I still talk to one sometimes and the other I have no idea. Ah high school, maybe I won’t feel lonely now? But I was too unique for these girls. I think I still am given I have no great communication with them. My senior year brightened up considerably. I discovered who I am over the summer. I discovered love, my sexuality and sensuality, and confidence. I dated two unique guys. What hit me hard was while the last one was breaking up with he said I’ll look back and view our relationship as a “silly little one”. Why do people have to grow a part? I’ve loved and lost friends in my life and will soon gain and lose more. I don’t like or want to view any of my relationships as silly little ones. Maybe I feel this way because I loved him and everyone else and I don’t want to forget.

As someone who has already gone through losing friends to time and making new ones a few times, I guess this is how I look at it. When you look back on the past, don't be sad because of who is not around anymore, but be happy as you remember the good times you shared. When you look to the future, embrace the changes as they come and make the most of them. Of course, this is harder done than said. I used to have a crew that we partied together 5 or 6 nights a week. They are all a few years older than me, and have moved away, married, etc. Do I wish we could still be going to the bar every Saturday night to watch Hockey Night in Canada? Or that we would still be going to the clubs, getting hammered and hitting on girls?? Of course I do. What I chose to do is remember those times, but make new good memories with the people who are in my life now. Most people only have a few select friends who stay close friends for most of your life. I feel like some major changes in my life are coming, and I am excited for the people I will meet, the firends I may make and the good times to come. I dunno, I hope that helps.

Change is the one inevitable thing in life. Besides death. Like you, Lizzeh', i was extremely apprehensive about the future. (Still am, to some degree). Friends come and go, but the best of friends never leave our hearts. Being close to a lot of cantcer survivors like myself has been a real educating experiance for me; I've gained lots of very close friends and lost just as many. Over these many rewarding friendships I have found that the next corner is a terrifying place. You never know what could be just up ahead, but you have to find out because the flow of time pulls you towards it. There are always rough spots in the so-called 'road of life', but there are also high spots. There is a lot to be gained if you can remember the high roads when you are on the low roads. Besides, the bad spots in life can only help accentuate the beautiful places.
Unfortunately, i can only offer a few brief words of advice for you and anyone else who reads this.

"When I think about the future, I have to be an optimist. If I weren't, I would have to shoot myself." - Arthur C. Clarke

-DaMaN

i can't remember practically any of my childhood under age 17 or so..only little things of no importance

i supposedly got stitches at 2, still have the scar on my chin, thats about all i know before kindergarten..
elementary was easy enough i think, my 2nd grade teacher was a biatch, and i participated in the 3rd grade talent show..that's about all i remember..halfway through 5th we moved cuz my brother got jumped while getting off of the school bus by kids 2-4 years older than him(he's 2 years older than me), when we moved i lost contact with everyone, 5th grade not lasting friendships right?
middle school, dating started for everyone but me it seemed, don't get me wrong, i had my crushes and such...i'm just a shy coward apparently(hooray for 7th grade girls' minds) rest of middle school was the same
high school: 9th and 10th both crappy years. 10th i f**ked up my knees from doing track, moved halfway through the year, but was allowed to finish out the year before switching schools. 11th: moved in with my dad, near inner-city pittsburgh, aka i'm a midget compared to most people there, and i'm white..met about 2 people i actually talked to, year ended, moved back with my mom due to problems with my dad, lost contact with everyone yet again. 12th: i still lived close enough to my 5-10 school to talk to 2 of my friends, but i went to another high school for my senior year..it's not exactly a great thing to be riding the school bus when you're a senior btw(just a side note), anyways, met a few good people at new school, about 2 people i could've actually called friends, no long-term friends..graduated with about a 3.3 GPA, nothing special..took a year off from going to college(BIG MISTAKE), graduated in '04 and here i am
no college, no job, hell no cell phone, 2 friends that i feel about the same as lizzeh for, no car, no relationship to speak of(nor has there been Crying or Very sad

), and my mom thinks i'm suicidal...yes she does...i'm not joking..she even had me commited into a hospital cuz i told her of a dream i had..

my life isn't exactly a great one, nor is it a bad one per say..

i dunno, i guess my point is if you feel "down in the dumps" or whatever, i'm just letting you know you're not the only one..there are people out there who have it worse than you(not necessarily me, or anyone in CfH) but somewhere out there..it's hard sometimes to feel like going on in life, but put your chin up high and try to see the good parts of your life, to stop focusing on the bad parts

Believe it or not Lizzeh...the thing you're looking forward to the most, your freedom, is probably the center of your angst. Freedom is a great thing...but with it comes ALL the responsibilities of the adult world. That is an amazing load to carry. As much as someone looks forward to it...it can be overwhelming. You won't have the crutch of your parents, your friends and what's "comfortable" to you when you're off to school...even if you live at home while in college. You're also about to launch into studies that will prepare you for your future career...and all the decisions will be "yours". Do you have any idea how many friends of mine went to school for "this" and ended up doing "that". This is a "major" life decision...and it can be a scary one. From what I know of you chatting both here and at Keegs...I'd say you're a together young lady with a bright future. You seem to know what you want...you now just have to go and get it.

Making and losing friends in your teenage years is something that has it's ups and downs. As you said...you're awakining to who and what you are...you're finding yourself. As your friends find themselves also, you may find you're not as similar and in touch as you first thought. I have 3 "true" friends in my life...I would step in front of a bullet for these guys...and I know they would do the same. Oddly, two of them I've known since I'm 9 years old...the other I've known for 26 years now. Your truest, best friends will always be there...to stop that bullet when necessary. I guess my point is...if you end up keeping in touch with 2 or 3 of your high school mates, that's pretty good. You'll make other friends...at work, at play and socializing around town.

Even if you go into college with just one good friend...that's cool. You'll have your parents and this "peer" to bounce things off of....that's more than some might have. Everyone's life experience is different...you'll at least have a friend or two and the support of your parents to give you a boost. You seem to know what you want, you know who you are, you have both your parents to lean on...I'd say you'll be okay. Don't sweat the hubby and kids yet...at least until after college. Laughing

I'm probably not the best one to talk about this with, however I will be serious here.
I'll spare you from my story near identical to BaDaCE, and just share my idealology.
Basically, with views like yours (which I share) about religion and the future, you have to come to accept these things as inevitabilities(which it seems like you have). The thing is, what it is to be dead is out of human definition(to cease to exist is something most minds cannot fathom, because to fathom it your brain would have to not give any cognition). But i digress.

The others are right, change will happen. No one likes change, that saying doesn't come from no where. You must live your life as you want, as you have 1 life to live.
I think every teenager has these thoughts and worries. There is no absolute comfort that can be given - just know that as long as you don't give up, you will find others. Friends can come from those you'd never expect. People are very similar.
BTW: The way of thinking i follow is considered Existentialist normally(though, i personally try to follow no specific ways of thinking, i follow my own). I don't know if you anything about it, or agree with much that i've said, but if you do you might consider yourself existentialist also.
"Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness and dies by chance"

lol all those posts have lots of words

this one doesn't

Forum Soldier Joined: 23 Nov 2005 Posts: 371 Location: lol

meh ... just take each step a day at a time and get used to handling things on your own: money, relationships, your life in general. Friendships are few and far between ... beleive me. I've gone through circles in 3 schools and become "friends" with plenty of people... out of all those I actively talk to 1 girl who graduated when I was a freshman (mostly because I don't "fit in" with my peer group). Anyways Liz ... people come and go ... thats life... every person's first prioity on this planet (save a few) is to benefit themselves in some way. Youre only doing yourself a disservice by looking back and wondering what the hell happened to make it this way. Things will look up if you take steps to get what you want. You just have to decide which steps and what direction will make you happiest is all.

Forum H4xor Joined: 21 Dec 2004 Posts: 1164

What you have posted on the internet is nothing more than a coming of age story through the backdrop of public school, which is nothing new. You express your emotions directly, but don’t really offer any solid personal reflection. I don’t know why you wrote this other than to vent your frustrations and insecurities, but more than that, I don’t know why you posted this, save it for the yearbook.

well mr. no feelings.......congrats on being one of the most insensitive people, ever

Forum Soldier Joined: 23 Nov 2005 Posts: 371 Location: lol

You win a prize ...

I agree with every thing that has been said.

::::Caution::::: Sad story from Chaos time!

I was born without never knowing my grandfather on my dads side and only vagualy rember my grandmother who passed when i was young. All growing up my father was an alcoholic and very big on disapline. Growing up I got smacked with a number of things from large wooden spoons to leather belts, to something that resembled the "Soul Pole" from the movie Dazed and Confused. I only had one outlet growing up as a kid and that was skateboarding. A few kids in my neighborhood that were older than me also skateboarded so that was my way to make friends as a kid. My Middle school years were filled with me not fitting in with most of the kids. I made a few friends that I hung out with along those years. Around the end of my Middle school years my father sobered up and started to go to AA. One day he actually sat down with me and appoligized to me and my sister for the things that he did during his drinking years. He was crying as he told us this. Seeing your father cry is a very weird thing at a young age.

High school was a bit like Middle school in which i had a small number of friends that I hung out with. The one thing that brought us together was again skateboarding. After graduating high school i lost contact with most of my friends from high school even though I now live in the same town i rarely ever see them.

All growing up I only had one true person that i would call a best friend. Over the years we have moved a bit apart but still see each other from time to time. He has a kid now and has a life so time spent toghether is a little scarce. I have since made new friends after high school through my one true love, Skateboarding. These friends i still see a bit even though they go to college in the city. We hang out as much as we can and still talk online to keep in touch.

You will find that all though life your group of friends will change but the most important thing to do is to remeber the good times that you had with them. One of the most important thing to hold on to is family. They are your center of everything around you.

I find that happiness comes when you least expect it to. And to stress over things just makes it harder for you to enjoy life. Yea i have had thoughts of suicide and all that but more i think it was a way for me to do some soul searching to find myself and to get my life centered.

I dont know if this makes any sense at all and if it helps but its my story.

And a little advice that i live by (also have it tattooed on my back)
"One Life, One Love, One Chance."

Lizzeh, being from canada, I can tell you its not just an american thing, it happens everywhere. I wouldn't describe what your going through as depression per se, you seem to have a firm grasp of what you want and whats going on. Just keep in mind your "just" starting out into your adulthood, and things will change.

Your life will go through many phases, and if its possible, attend university/college. I found highschool maturity was left behind in this atmosphere and you could really do what you want for your own peace of mind.

Also, if you haven't, try meeting people in groups/organizations that share the same interests as you, you'll meet like minded people you know and have a better chance to nuture friendships. CC has his skateboarding activities and I have university rugby/football for example.

Don't expect change to be necessarily a bad thing, take them has they occur, and know that you can always improve your situation, whether you realize it or not at the time.

I've known people that where barely known throughout school only to blossom once they reach adulthood, and don't forget to keep ties to your family.....they don't necessarily have to be your immediate family, I've had friends that have had horrible parents, but family members that support you and keep you out of trouble.

Thats my 2 cents, and always remember that the point in life is to live it to then create your legacy the way you want it to be remembered.

Forum H4xor Joined: 21 Dec 2004 Posts: 1164

No, like you write it in someone's yearbook. Lol. For those of you who don't like what I wrote, you fail to see where I have complimented her. She tells her story accurately and directly, and that is one thing that is very important in writing. I'm not being insensitive, I'm just being honest.