Chips' Fun House ~ View topic

Please no extreme jokes...sexist isnt funny when you take it too far Bad Idea

I'll be double posting because i want every long joke in its own to make it easier

This help us understand womans bra sizes.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Damn! {DD} Double Damn! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,'however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz'. A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was
asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine
("el computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they

ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

"F" Word

Correct use of the "F" word .

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has
been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think

they'd get this

@%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

Lol..."WTF was that"

One of my favorite....

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit are walking through the woods having a heated argument about the relations of Preditors and Prey in the new mellium when one of them rubs against a bush, exposing a magic lamp and, of course, a genie.

The genie pops out of the bottle, take a nice long strech and says "Ahh, thank you for freeing me of my chambers, for that, you both get 3 wishes."

Mr. Bear ponders for quite a while. Then he claps his paws together and says, "I wish every bear in the forest was female!" The genie responds, "It is done." Mr. Rabbit also thinks for a while on what he wants. "I wsh for a crash helmet" Mr. Rabbit says after some time. The genie makes a puff of smoke and out comes a helmet, which Mr. Rabbit puts on his head.

"Crash helmet! What a stupid wish" Says Mr Bear "I wish every bear in the COUNRTY was female!" The genie replys "It is done". Mr Bear is obviously very excited, in more ways then one. Mr. Rabbit quickly replies "I wish for a Motocycle" and in a puff of smoke, a motocycle is in front of Mr. Rabbit. He climbs on and starts the moto. He revs the engine a bit to get a feel for it.

Mr. Bear again sighs and Mr. Rabbits poor excuses for wishes. "I WISH EVERY BEAR IN THE WORLD WAS FEMALE!" Exlaims Mr. Bear. Again the Genie grants him his wish. Mr. Bear turns to Mr. Rabbit and says "You only have 1 left, make it a GOOD one this time." Mr Rabbit quickly repies, "Oh I will. I wish Mr. Bear was gay!" And Mr. Rabbit gunned the motocycle and sped away into the forest.

Ahahaha, Mr. Bear got owned, gg no re

A man gets on a bus with both of his pockets filled with golf balls. I mean his pockets are bulging with golf balls. He sits next to a blonde, who looks at the man's pants and seems very very confused.

The man turns to the blonde and says, "It's just golf balls."

To which the blonde replies, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

lol

here was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED CANADIAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

Seals vs. Green Beret

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"

< to both kibbles and demasu

two guys walk into a bar....

ouch... ouch

Apparently only two people here are funny. Looks like we need more people.

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?", one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?", asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?", the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied.

He picked up a mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, a voice from the wall screamed: "You a$$hole, it's ten past three in the morning!"