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 Posted:
Wed May 03, 2006 7:31 pm
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Forum Sniper
Joined: 26 Jul 2005
Posts: 696
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Read this awhile back, and decided to post it as it is getting close to the end of the school year for some people (colleges mostly, but highschools, middleschools, and elementaries will be following soon).
| Darth Vader wrote: |
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '05 ('06 for the year after, and
so on and so forth)...
Embrace the Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would
be it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the
Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis
more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will
dispense this advice now....
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.
Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of
your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile
attempt to find a Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will
look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp
now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet
really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your
planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is
as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The
real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed
your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor
core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your
idiot son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings
of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this,
tell me how.
Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.
The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for
their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know
still don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you,
maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark
Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe
she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate
yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody
else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it
or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to
destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his
prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to
be your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best
link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in
the future. Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious
few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge
the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you
become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty
work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on
Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel.
Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial
Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you
do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily
crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected
their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with
you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down,
but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find
yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't
strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than
you could possibly imagine. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be
patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is
a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity
from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over
the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the Dark Side. |
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Organization of the Zodiac | DeviantART | Last.FM | Anime | Steam | Xfire |
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| Posted:
Wed May 03, 2006 8:51 pm
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Forum HW
Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 954
Location: Tenn.about 30mins from chattanooga. ever hear of Dunlap?? didnt think so
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| wow! somebody had a L..O..T of time on thier hands..lol but it was pretty awsome! |
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<--video games ROCK! |
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| Posted:
Wed May 03, 2006 11:09 pm
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Forum Soldier
Joined: 29 Nov 2005
Posts: 399
Location: Stan Mikita's Donuts
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it's a spoof off of Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)
good stuff  |
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1337 |
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| Posted:
Wed May 03, 2006 11:36 pm
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Forum H4xor
Joined: 09 Oct 2005
Posts: 1378
Location: California
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wow...
Some Nerd's got EVEN MORE FREE TIME
Wow...I never thought it was possible. |
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| Posted:
Thu May 04, 2006 4:29 pm
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Forum H4xor
Joined: 07 Feb 2005
Posts: 3150
Location: Houston
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| StaR wrote: |
wow...
Some Nerd's got EVEN MORE FREE TIME
Wow...I never thought it was possible. |
Stop being redundent....>_> <_< |
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RL the ultimate roleplaying experience |
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| Posted:
Fri May 05, 2006 6:30 pm
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Forum H4xor
Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 1567
Location: Idaho
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| You say this, but I bet the nerd who wrote that is over there laughing at us saying "I can't believe these people play the same damn game all of these many hundreds of hours!" |
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-[CfH]-Server Admin |
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| Posted:
Fri May 05, 2006 6:32 pm
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Forum H4xor
Joined: 02 Dec 2005
Posts: 1265
Location: Seattle, WA
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| All I know is that was a waste of 5 minutes of my life |
_________________
-"I went all over the world. I had access to beautiful women, champagne and caviar. No, I don't regret a minute of it." -John Symonds
-"A man tells his stories so many times that he becomes the stories. They live on through him, and in that way he becomes immortal." -Big Fish |
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| Posted:
Fri May 05, 2006 11:47 pm
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Forum Soldier
Joined: 29 Nov 2005
Posts: 399
Location: Stan Mikita's Donuts
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| Americanboy3 wrote: |
| All I know is that was a waste of 5 minutes of my life |
That's what SHE said after YOU got off of her! |
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1337 |
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| Posted:
Sat May 06, 2006 12:06 am
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Forum H4xor
Joined: 02 Dec 2005
Posts: 1265
Location: Seattle, WA
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Nice one. Too bad I'm not offended by it becuz I know all the ladies love me  |
_________________
-"I went all over the world. I had access to beautiful women, champagne and caviar. No, I don't regret a minute of it." -John Symonds
-"A man tells his stories so many times that he becomes the stories. They live on through him, and in that way he becomes immortal." -Big Fish |
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